"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change. The courage to change the things
I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the
bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful
of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected
to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow."
A man walks into the woman's section of a department
store and tells the salesclerk he wants to
buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than
"There are three types," replies the clerk
"The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type,
and the Baptist type.
Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man ask "What is the difference
The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The
Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation
Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist
type makes mountains out of mole hills. "
There was a woman who had a dog that snored.
She called her vet to find out
if there was anything that would stop the snoring. The vet suggested
that she tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles.
So, she went to
her sewing basket,
found a length of ribbon and tied it around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring.
Later that evening, her husband came home drunk,
fell into the bed and immediately
went to sleep. In his slumber, he began to snore.
"Well," she thought,
"if it worked for the dog, it might just work for him." With
that, she went to her sewing basket and retrieved
another length of ribbon. She tied it around
her husband's testicles and sure enough,
he stopped snoring.
During the night, the husband got up to go to
the bathroom. As he passed the
mirror, he notice the blue ribbon tied around him. He looked over
at the dog and noticed a red ribbon tied around
the dog. "Well, boy, I don't know
where we've been but we won first and second place."
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.
Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.