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Jokes for You from ChooseIndia

Doctor : One who charges before discharging.
Tailor : Who cuts throats without bleeding.
Pocket : Full for girlfriend but empty for wife.
Guy 1 : I want to know what my child will become when he grows up.
Guy 2 : Put him in a room with a bible, an apple and a dollar.
Guy 1 : How to find the conclusions?
Guy 2 : If he takes the bible, he will be a preacher; if he grabs the apple and starts munches it, he will be a farmer; if he takes the dollar, he will be a banker. But if he grabs the apple in one hand and dollar in another and sits on the bible, he will become a politician.
Guy 1 : I must go now. And don't bother to see me to the door.
Guy 2 : Its no bother. Its a pleasure.
How many sides does a circle have?
Inside and outside.
Boss to his new secretary : You can join the office from today. For first three months you will get Rs 2000 and then after 3 months you will receive Rs 3000.
Secretary : Sir, Can I join after 3 months
My kid is very future oriented, he puts off everything for tomorrow.
Guy 1 : There is a terribly ugly thing on your shoulders.
Guy 2 : What is it?
Guy 1 : Your head.
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said...
"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

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