A couple had been married for many years. Over the years, the wife became somewhat insecure about her personal appearance and seriously began to consider breast enlargement surgery. The husband, keeping in mind the high cost of surgery, was against the idea. "If you
want larger breasts, just take some toilet paper and rub your cleavage every day. Surely, that will make your breasts larger." Confused, the wife asked, "And just how do you suppose rubbing my cleavage with toilet paper every day will make my breasts larger?" The husband replied, "Well, honey, you've been using it on your butt for years and it seems to be working just fine!"
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies,"Well, you see that 3 pack? You'll need that when you're in high school. You'll have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "Well, you'll need the 6 pack when you're in college. You'll have 2 for
Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning." "Well then," replies the son, "what the heck would anyone ever do with a 12 pack?" The father answers, "That's for married folks, son. You'll need 1 for January, 1 for February..."
A young tennaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning wach of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
In the middle of the night, the husband yelled, "Honey, wake up, wake up! Guess what happened? I think I'm in good luck..." "What are you talking about?", asked the wife. "I just went to the bathroom. When I opened the door, the lights went on automatically. At first I didn't give a damn but, when I was done, I shut the door and instantly the lights went off! The husband continued, "God must be on my side. Tomorrow, first thing in the morning, I must buy a lottery ticket. I can be rich! And we can..." The wife jumped off the bed and yelled "Oh my God.. did you piss in the refrigerator again?"
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscratched. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up."I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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