Three mice were sitting in a bar bragging about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot of Bailey's and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and just as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that, the mouse slams another shot of Bailey's. The second mouse slams a shot of Bailey's and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that, the mouse slams another shot of Bailey's. The third mouse slams a shot of Bailey's, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then ask of the third mouse, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse turns casually and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
A farmer was trying to breed three sow hogs so he took them into town to the stud hog service. Once the hogs had finished breeding for the day, the stud owner explained, "If you see your hogs rolling in the mud, then they're pregnant. If they're basking in the sun, then the breeding was unsuccessful." The next morning, the hogs were basking in the sun, so the farmer put them back into the truck and repeat drove back to town. The next day, the farmer noticed the same thing. His hogs weren't in the mud, rolling around, so he figured they weren't pregnant. Again, he loaded them into the truck and drove back to the stud service. The next morning, the farmer couldn't bear to look at his hogs, so he asked his wife, "What are they doing?" His wife responded, "Well, there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is the hogs aren't rolling in the mud. The good news is they're already in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn!"
A Herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo and, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills off brain cells. Naturally, the alcohol attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. As a result, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine....
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he returns to the bar and orders three more pints. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it... It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman soon becomes a regular in the bar, always ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, though, the Irishman approaches the bartender and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice this and fall silent. When the Irishman returns to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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