Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we
don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file
from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug
fix.
Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working
days. If you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb
changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right-hand
corner of the light bulb box.
Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem
of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors
can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it
was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM)
as the new industry standard.
Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: 57; one to write WinGetLightBulbHandle(),
one to write WinQueryLightBulbStatus(), one to write.....
MS Buys a Years Worth of Time
1995? Think Again if Bill Has his Way
News Flash:
In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates
announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995.
1995 will be replaced instead by Year-M to be followed by actual 1995.
Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule,
Gates said. But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting
to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new
marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1995. That way we get an extra
year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995.
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its
financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national
debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected
as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to Bill Gates.
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates
now owns the judicial branch for the duration of Year-M. Speculators stated
that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits
pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper
than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against
Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of
God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that
he be broken up into deity conglomerates.
Gosh, said Gates. They broke up AT&T... why
can't we break up God?
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was
looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer.
Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer:
he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married,
and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
If we could just get some employees like that,
Gates lamented, we would be able to ship Windows 95 on time.
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