How does a pregnant lady know she is going to give birth
to a future lawyer?
She gets this terrible craving for bologna!
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a
jury trial. "Jury trial," he replied. "Do you understand the difference?"
asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant,"That's where twelve ignorant
people decide my fate instead of one."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other
is a fish.
A judge was riding horses one day with a young lawyer
friend. They came upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman's
noose hanging from a tree, solemnly waiving in the wind. The judge turned
to his riding companion and jokingly said:
"Jacob, if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose
you would be?"
"Riding alone," quickly came the reply.
An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his
horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of
the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries.
However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer
at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"
Samuel: Well ... let me explain.
Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff
on the ropes). Please tell the jury.
Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first
looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me,
'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot
my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing.
Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'
After an electrician finished repairing some faulty wiring
in an attorney's home he handed him the the bill. "Four hundred dollars!
For an hour's work?" cried the attorney, "That's ridiculous! Why I'm an
attorney and I don't charge that much." To which the electrician replied,
"Funny, when I was an attorney I didn't either!"
A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation
in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries
within six months of my death." "Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the
attorney. "Because I want someone to be sorry I died!" came the reply.
In questioning potential jurors for an upcoming trial
the Judge inquired, "Is there any reason why any of you cannot see this
trial through to its conclusion?" A lone juror spoke up, "I can't!" stated
the woman, "Why, just looking at the woman I'm convinced she's guilty!"
"Madam," said the Judge, "that's the prosecutor."
A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer's office. "Is
it true," said the Priest, "that your firm does not charge members of the
clergy?" "I'm afraid you're misinformed," stated the lawyer, "People in
your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we
lawyers have to take ours in this one."