Firemen and paramedics frantically work to remove an
attorney from his demolished car which was just involved in a head on collision.
"Oh ... my Mercedes, my poor Mercedes ... Oh ...," the attorney kept repeating
through his pain. "Look fella," said the paramedic, "Quit worrying so much
about your car, your entire arm has been severed below the elbow and you
could bleed to death!" As the attorney looks down to see his arm missing,
he begins whimpering, "My Rolex, my poor Rolex ... Oh ..."
An attorney ran over to the office of his client. "I
can't believe it!" said the angered attorney, "You sent a case of Dom Perignon
to the judge in your case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we're
certain to lose this case!" "Relax," said the client, "I sent it in the
While summing up the State's case against the alleged
despicable conduct of the defendant, the Prosecutor addressed the jury,
"Ladies and gentlemen -- all I can say is that if Moses had known the defendant,
there would have been two or three more Commandments."
After her conviction of murder in the second degree,
the District Attorney, during her sentancing hearing said, "Mrs. Packard
-- after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband,
didn't you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?" "I did,"
she said calmly. "And when was that?" quipped the D.A. "When he asked for
After his motion to surpress evidence was denied by the
court the attorney spoke up, "Your Honor," he said, "What would you do
if I called you a stupid, degenerate, old fool." The Judge, now also angered,
revered, "I would hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended
from practicing before this court again!" "What if I only thought it?"
asked the attorney. "In that case, there is nothing I could do, you have
the right to think whatever you may." "Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the
court, let the record reflect, I 'think' you're a stupid, degenerate, old
What do you call a bus load of lawyers at the bottom
of the ocean?
A good start..
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at
a bar association convention?
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one;
Once launched, they can't be recalled; and
When they land, they screw everything up for the next
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle.
He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three
wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch." "What catch?" the man
asked. The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in
the world will receive double the wish you were granted." "Well, I can
live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first
wish?" asked the genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari
appeared in front of the man. "Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris,"
said the genie. "Next wish?" "I'd love a million dollars," replied the
man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every lawyer
in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie. "Well, that's okay,
as long as I've got my million," replied the man. "What is your third and
final wish?" The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you
know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"