What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
A lawyer is standing at the gates to Heaven and St. Peter
is listing his sins:
Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he
knew they were guilty.
Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was
Overcharging fees to many clients.
Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed
in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer
objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues,
"Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his
book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once
you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets
a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes!" St. Peter turns to the angel
next to him and whispers, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to
What educational programs should the United States support
to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
A lawyer named 'Strange' was shopping for a tombstone.
After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription
he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded
the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In
this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer'." "But that won't let
people know who it is," protested the lawyer. "It most certainly will,"
retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not
at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told
him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately
advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately
informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could
be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable,
however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by
Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard
in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue
to Hell. When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so
much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, "Who do you think has all
of the judges!"
What is a criminal lawyer?
George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air
balloon race. After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers,
"We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we
are." Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins
to slowly descend below the cloud cover. Still confused as to their exact
location George again offers, "I still can't tell where we are Harry, let's
ask that gentleman down there on the ground." Harry yells down to the stranger,
"Hey, Mister can you tell us where we are?" "You're in a balloon about
100 feet up in the air," came the reply. "That man must be a lawyer," George
quipped. "How can you tell?" said Harry. "Because the advice he just gave
us is 100% accurate and totally useless!"