How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A plaintiff lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision. Verdict for Plaintiff! The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client immediately wired back, "Appeal at once!"

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Humpty Dumpty, the tooth fairy, an ol' drunk and an honest attorney are all walking down the street together. Simultaneously, they each spot a one-hundred dollar bill lying on the sidewalk. Who gets the money?
Answer 1: The ol' drunk, of course. The other three individuals only exist in fairy tales.
Answer 2: The I.R.S.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are seated in the same compartment on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of vodka out of his luggage, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and firmly stated, "In Russia, we have best wodka (vodka) in the vorld (world), nowhere in the vorld you can find wodka as good as one we make in mother Russia. And, we have much of it, so much we can just throw it away like vater (water) ..." That said, the Russian opens the train's window and hurls the vodka out of the train. The others in the compartment are quite impressed. Just then the Cuban removes a box of Havana cigars from his luggage, removes one, lights it and begins to smoke. "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world 'Havanas', nowhere in the world are there such many and good cigars, and we have much of them also, such many that we can just throw them away ...." Making that bold statement, the Cuban sends the box of Havanas the way of the vodka. Once again, the compartment's occupants are quite impressed. At that moment, not to be out done, the American abruptly stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer out! (Ill-grammer intentional)

Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was standing, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them.
Do you: (1) have lunch?, or (2) go to a movie?