Jokes for You from Chooseindia
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New Errors for Windows 2000
Have you been frustrated with Windows - like everybody else?
Either it continues to crash or just gives you absurd and arcane comments intended to make you feel stupid. Well, in Redmond, Microsoft is at it again - continually trying to make us look foolish. The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
  1. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
  2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  3. Press ANY key to continue or ANY OTHER key to quit.
  4. Bad command or file name! GO stand in the corner.
  5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  6. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
  7. This is a message from Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
  8. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
  10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
  11. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  12. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
  13. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient. Replace user
  14. Netscape.exe... Bad file name...
  15. May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)

  16. AND ONE that really should be included.
  17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? and change to system that doesn't carsh (Y/N)"

IBM's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution
KABINDA, ZAIRE--In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut. Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil. IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today." According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem." Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of- the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse. "This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual. IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village."
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