The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be had a discussion with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "Dear, when two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to know how to make your great lasagna."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man saiys "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?' " "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs." On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and
hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
When his wife's snoring woke him for the third straight night, Harry went to the bathroom medicine cabinet, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping mouth. "Awk, glub!" choked his startled wife. "What the..." "It's okay, honey. I gave you some aspirin," he explained. "Why? I don't have a headache!"
"Great!" said Harry, triumphantly. "Let's fuck!"
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But, there is something that is perhaps more dangerous than anything else." The dietician peered into the crowd and asked, "Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?" A handful of people in the audience raised their hands with possible answers. "Yes, you, sir, in the first row," said the dietician. "Please give us your idea." The man grinned and blurted, "Wedding cake!"
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her. "Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight. "And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?" With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
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