A couple is golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, "Honey,be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows -it'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told youto watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in." When they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that." No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie says, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she says.
"Consider it done." "And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with you." So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours. Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35. Why?" "And he still believes in genies?"
 

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with apiece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he smirked. "Yes!", said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes> on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!", he cried. "But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor,
"Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...... He's in too far!!!"
 

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven rightaway. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied 'I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did.' They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as longas they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied 'I have no idea, and i'm definately not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, 'Damn income taxes'!!!!!