Ma and Pa farmer were sitting out on the stoop. Pa farmer reached over
to Ma, grabbed her boob and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get milk out
of them things, I surely wouldn't need all those cows over there."
Pa then grabbed Ma's crotch and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get
eggs out of this thing, I wouldn't need all those chickens over there."
Ma looked at Pa, grabbed his pecker and said, "You know, Pa, if I could
get a hard-on out of this thing, I wouldn't need the neighbor."
There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance who hadn't had
any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night,
but he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and
said, "Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back
to my place for a piece? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!" "I'm willing,
let's go," she said. They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of
foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't
get over how tight the old grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's
got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and
said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given
you $50". Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going
to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
An 80 year old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get
some action. He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with
her. The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said, "Get lost old man!
You're ruining business!" "Sure would like to get some action tonight,"
said the old man. "You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all
finished." "What did you say?" asked the old man. "You heard me - you're
all finished." "Oh," replied the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80
years old, and married, with four kids and eleven grandchildren... Last
night I had an affair. I made love to a couple of 18 year old girls...
both of them... twice!" "Well, my son, when was the last time you were
in confession?" asked the priest. "Never Father. I don't belong to your
church." "So then, why are you telling me?" "You kidding?" grinned the
geezer. "I'm telling everybody!"
Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We work twelve
hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you
can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday."
Jon says, "Why not Thursday?" The boss says, "Because Thursday is your
turn in the barrel."
A man returns from the Middle East feeling very ill. He goes to see
his doctor, who immediately rushes the man to Beth Israel Hospital in NYC
to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the
ringing of a telephone in his private room at the hospital. On the other
end of the line, the doctor explains, "We've received the results back
from your tests. We've found that you have an extremely nasty STD called
G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes."
"Oh my gosh," cries the man, "Doc! What am I going to do?" "Well we're
going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will
that cure me?" asks the man, curiously. "Well no, but it's the only food
we can get under the door."
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He
went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his proud father to tell him
the news. "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, let me tell you
what happened. When we got up in the plane, the Sergeant opened
up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and
just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then, the
Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out
the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that.
Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told
the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane
or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally, he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm
too scared.' So, the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his member
out from his pants. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big
around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door,
or I'm sticking this little baby up your butt!'" "So, did you jump?" asked
the father. "Well, a little, at first."