Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't
get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow
and let me see what I can do." So, the worried fellow returned with his
wife the following pad. The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, "Please
remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas." The woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I
see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on." While the woman was busy
dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect
health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every
time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get
under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta
help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years,"
said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your
fears." "How much do you charge?" "My fee is $100 per visit."
"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey. "Let me sleep on
it, and I'll get back to you." Six months later, the doctor and Shakey
crossed paths. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For $100 a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for $10!" "How do you figure?"
asked the psychiatrist. "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and,
while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later,
the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc,
what happened to my baby!" The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins!
You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl.
Also, you should know that while you were in a coma,
your brother named the children for you." "Oh, no!" shrieked the woman.
"Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked,
"What's the boy's name?" The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to
inform him of her situation. They both return and the manager asks the
old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn
problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery
and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?" "I
see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to
a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here
are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly
had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping,
and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's
doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will
be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said.
The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out
you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for
two weeks and pay only $15.40?"