I Just Need Some Space.
... without you in it.

Do I Look Fat In This Dress?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

No, Pizza's Fine.
... you cheap slob!

I Don't Want a Boy Friend Now
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
...I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
...I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
 

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"
In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."
Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed.
"Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said.
The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?
And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed Bitch!"

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,
"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"
 

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.