THINGS THAT BOTHER ME:
- When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it before.
- People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
- When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
- When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
- When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
- People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
- People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladamir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.
Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"
Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."
Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."
Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come running from miles around."
Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."
The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.
As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him.
"Its working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.
He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"
Vito: "Because your supposed to put the potato in the front."
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
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